Show Up!

In grade 4, a soccer ball flew across the playground and landed square on my face. It stunned and embarrassed me. For the rest of the day, I could feel all the little circles from the soccer ball all over my face. I assumed everyone else could see it too. Both my face and my pride were stinging.

In Grade 8, it was a lacrosse ball. Again, square in my face. Again, I was stunned and embarrassed.  

These two incidents are really indicative of my overall relationship with exercise and sports. Over the years, this very negative theme continued and it contributed to my overall confidence. Embarrassment was a running theme in my fitness life.  

Recently, I made the very emotional decision to leave the gym community I had been entrenched in for the better part of 8 years. It was very difficult as so much of my identity was tied up in that environment. Once I left, I really struggled with who I really was and where I was supposed to be. Did I matter outside of that gym? Had I even mattered when I was there?  Did I make the right decision?  Will I ever be successful?

When I entered the doors of Blended Athletics, I was full of all of those questions and so much emotion. My head was spinning with "what ifs" and the embarrassments of past experiences. I tried to stay focused, but my first thought as I walked through the door was that I was sure I would not belong.

Slowly and quietly, I attended Loft classes with Darryl, whose presence gave me such calm at a time when I was feeling severe anxiety about the changes I had made. 

When I finally did my first On Ramp, it was with Danielle. In my attempt at easing my nerves, I tried to crack some jokes. One of them didn't fly with Danielle and she eventually let me know. I told her "fat girls like me do not do handstands." When she  called me out, it wasn't about her needing to prove me wrong or to embarrass me. It was about her needing me to know I didn't need to beat myself up anymore. I didn't need to feel bad anymore, for who I was. I was accepted, regardless of what I looked like.

And, it was in that moment that something shifted for me.

In Ground Zero, Cody, Danielle, Nicole and Chelsea patiently guided me through the workouts. I was slow, my form was mediocre and I had no idea what weights to choose. It was a struggle.

It was humbling.

But, I kept showing up.

And kept showing up.

And kept showing up.

Now I keep showing up for myself because the thing that shifted in that moment with Danielle during my On Ramp was my mindset. I realized that I am in control of my confidence, my experiences and my fitness life. I am in control of the path I take to health and wellness. I am in control of my pursuit of excellence.

I still have doubts and struggle with my confidence. I still am trying to find my fitness identity. But I feel I have found my place and my people.

I feel safe.

And relevant. 

And accepted.

This is all I have ever been looking for.

I am still waiting for another ball to sail from the sky and into my face because I believe the universe is likely looking for a hat trick.  But this time, I'll be ready for it.