IN BETWEEN HOLDING ON AND LETTING GO

When we were first shut down for quarantine my first feeling was relief. I’d run myself into the ground for five long years to build my dream career as a full-time Yoga Teacher and yet I’d failed to notice in many ways all it did was take from me. I was exhausted, on the verge of burning out, and recovering from an illness I’d spent a year hiding so that I could keep pushing myself to extremes physically and mentally without judgement from the people around me. So when the world stopped all I could think was, “thank God,” and then I stopped as well.

I rested, I recovered, I healed, and with the knowing I’d be locked away from the world for months I let my body soften and gain weight; comforted by the fact that no one would see me like that. That was the first moment I met myself in quarantine. In the knowing that some of how I drove myself to exhaustion had to do with looking the way I thought the world needed me to; especially as a Yoga Teacher and someone who is visible in the fitness community. My body was meant to look a certain way. My life was meant to look a certain way. But suddenly I had to let it all go.

The most surprising thing of all was that instead of judging myself I simply watched, fascinated by a version of me who could stop running, who could stop unrelentingly chasing a dream and just be in what I needed and wanted, in the present moment. It was a kind of freedom so foreign to me that at first it was shocking. Yet I was still able to realize, even early on, it was something that I would not want to leave entirely behind.

I indulged in free time. I indulged in wasting it too. Instead of lifting and circuit training and power yoga I stretched, I did gentle yoga, I meditated, did breath work and even took up running. All of it was a spontaneous stepping into what I needed. With the freedom to stay hidden at home, there were no rules. There was no one but me to know what I was and wasn’t doing, and so moment to moment, breath to breath, I surrendered to what made the most sense and let go of a story about what I was supposed to be. During it all I began to realize I did not want to go back to the way things were, I wanted to build a new way of being. I wanted to remember this version of me who took care, who didn’t worry so much about what others thought, who didn’t need to say yes to too many things out of the fear I would miss an opportunity or get passed over when something else came up. This was the second time I met myself in quarantine. When I realized I could choose to be different and build a different kind of life around myself and still be happy.

In the world of fitness and wellbeing, either as professionals or as participants, we tend to mirror the outside world. In this ambition and drive, which absolutely has a place, we run the risk of losing sight of ourselves and what we might need. We risk seeing only one way forward, more, heavier, faster, leaner and though there is a time for all of that, can we also settle into the spaciousness of knowing that much like the world, there is more than one way to travel down a long and winding road. We can pause, we can indulge in looking around, we can even stop and rest. We can rush or run or hurry along. We can wander off the path for a little while or we can even head back the way we’ve come. There is a purpose to the reaching and the building and the moving forward, to setting goals, to challenging ourselves, but what if there is a purpose in stillness, in space, in ease, in meeting ourselves also in the quiet moments, in the moments of acceptance, in the moments of peace.

What if in the fitness, yoga and wellness world we were the example for how to move through these challenging times. Not just in how we run our businesses, but in how we show up in the world and in our physical practices whatever they may be. It’s a work in progress for me, but what I’ve learned this past year is that all of it is easier when I make space to be myself.

If this experience has taught me anything about the life I want to build, and also live, it’s that it’s not so much about where I’m headed as where I am, and how I’m showing up in this present moment. In the space of self-acceptance and compassion it is so much easier to meet myself and to be honest about what I need. Now like never before I remember to ask: Can I watch for the moments where I need to be ambitious and driven? Can I recognize the moments where I need to pause, reflect and rest? Can I take what this past nine months has given me and use it to be more joyful, effective and present, in my career, in my life, and in whatever I choose for my fitness? Can I remember it is about how I hold on and how I let go, and if I can meet myself somewhere between the two.